Where is Sana?
I am here…..still here …alive and breathing the air of the lower Himalayas.
I am moving to the mountains close to nature to work on a 6 month very exciting project which I wont talk much about right now till its over because this might mean setting shop for a while which is what I have been wishing for a while :)
New beginnings and exciting times full of adventures and new experiences.
I am grateful even though the year has been as crazy as the last and the lessons keep piling up and I am trying to go through them one step at the time. Life seems to be a never ending learning and its awesome though someday I wish for a break to just sit in nothingness. It is not happening much right now but I feel at peace with my decisions to work in India and give this new life a chance.
Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.
The Traveler Ego
Traveling is beautiful, no doubt. It opens your soul to the beauties of the world and the people that inhabit it (well that’s if you are open up to it.)
But once it becomes an escape it becomes super dangerous and addictive.Travel is a tool to open one up to many many experiences and lessons but like any tool it must be used wisely.
Travel has the tendency to make one super critical and judgmental of everyone else that is not a so called traveler. I’ve had to catch myself a bunch of times from saying, ” Oh you are such a tourist” or ”That’s such a tourist not traveler thing to do.”
We walk around with a chip on our shoulder thinking since we have experienced more than everyone else (!!!),we know more than everyone and thus instead of being open we are more closed and set in our opinions and ways . One must be so careful of the traveler ego. It easily creeps up on you and hard to recognize when you are surrounded by other travelers as they have the same thing going on. I am not saying that all travelers are like this but the tendency of having the traveler ego is very high as per my observations(a personal opinion).
The other tendency more rampant among travelers is that because they aren’t working the regular 9-5 jobs they are not part of the system and very proud of it somehow.Ironically they are if not more but equally contributing and taking from the society as everyone else.They are as much part of the system as us mere mortals. I have much respect for all of those who make a real effort to live a self sustained life.But I laugh at those who bitch about the system yet are 24/7 on their i Phones,wearing the latest travel fashion and travel constantly using guess what fuel consuming airplanes (yes this is my judgmental side- and to add to it I am a critical Virgo - bad combination)
I have so much respect for the every day Joe who is working hard and surviving in this mad world making ends meet for himself and his family instead of sitting and having endless discussions about how fucked up the system is yet being completely part of it.I truly respect those who can be a part of the system and contribute positively and maintain love and compassion for others while doing it.I have insane amounts of respect for those who can survive in the midst of this chaotic world.People who put their desires and pleasures aside for the greater good of others- take for example your parents.I feel my parents are the most enlightened beings and are practicing meditation/compassion every waking second without having to escape to a cave in the Himalayas. That is real time 21st century enlightenment more than one smoking a joint and talking endlessly about peace,love,respect and unity.
Last new year a dear friend of mine made me aware of the traveler ego that had crept up on my silently and I was not conscious of it at all. I was in denial in the beginning but the more I became aware of my actions of body , speech and mind I realized there might be a tad truth to it.
The more I travel the more I realize that I am just a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. Yes I do have strong opinions on various topics and probably being well traveled has made me more knowledgeable on certain topics yet I have to constantly remind myself to be open and at all times to everyone and everything. And to look within and only judge one-self. Difficult practices but most do.
On Joy And Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
I am not sensitive , you are an asshole.
I struggle with letting go of people and relationships even if they have become super unhealthy, run their course or become a plain waste of time and energy.
I’ve been wondering why is it so hard for me to realize and accept this reality and move on. I wonder if its because I have no roots or attachment to anything else other than people.I love people and it really hurts me so bad and I find it hard to put into words how difficult the process is for me. I wish I was stronger but I almost invariably stay in all types of relationships mainly with the hope that things will change for the better. I still can’t fully grab the concept of how things can change so drastically between people who love each other whether it be friends, partners, family. Like everything does love also go from one stage to another lessening or increasing in strength depending on circumstances..yes probably but how does it come to the point of not wanting to have anything to do with the other or just cutting people off. Sometimes that is the best thing to do so that both parties can move on but I would rather be in a relationship that stinks because letting go seems worse. Since nothing else is consistent in my life I want at least for the relationships to last even when they are way passed the maturity date. I am struggling with this and really it boils down again to the concept of self worth, self love that I also can’t get my head around fully.
Ofcourse I understand that nothing remains the same and impermanence is the name of the game , and I am totally comfortable with change but the thing that I need to really put myself into is getting out of relationships that are not worth holding on to and realizing that letting go is the best way to have some peace and happiness for both parties involved.