“The mind has more projections than there are dust motes in a sunbeam”- Milrepa
(Leo who died last year, NYC)
One year ago I lost a dear friend of mine to an accident in NYC. Earlier this year I lost another friend in another accident in India. Two young, talented, beautiful men whose time came to soon. I had not spoken to either of them in a long time so the reality hit me very hard. They were gone just like that. Both these deaths shook me to the core. It made me question almost everything about my life: the choices I was making, the way I was living, how I was treating the people I loved and was close to….everything! Was I taking this life for granted? Was I being overly selfish in making life choices that only made me happy without taking into consideration other people? My time on this planet just like everyone’s is limited and was I living it in total awareness of all my actions not only of body but also speech and mind?
I was in a state of suffering and I was trying to be my own psychologist, trying to unravel all the causes to my despair. What was the root of it all? And the deeper I got into trying to figure it out, the more I examined the numerous factors that were causing me to feel like shit, the more I started to see the magnitude of layers and factors. It could be due to karma, hormonal imbalance, culture, diet, my stars and planets, genetic reasons etc .
There are all these dimensions and realities that were causing me to feel /act/think/ behave in a certain way and the mind is just an overload of these influences. (Well in essence the mind is clear if you just let it settle like water with dirt.) So maybe the sadness was just a constant movement of all these layers and factors and some present reasons as well. Oh how complicated I am. And the more I “thought” about this, the more I realized that the primary cause of my unhappiness might not really be the situation but my thoughts on it! Oh it just gets more complex.
But coming back to the topic of death and I am confronted again with impermanence which has been my focus topic of 2013 since I have had to deal with it constantly. So if impermanence is really a principle of reality than if I could just stop struggling against it I would be in alignment with reality a bit more?